(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.