i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.