The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
How about daylight saves us for once
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”