16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.