If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.