he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Seems a bit forward
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately