My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME