My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
*launders Kohls cash*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.