Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Oh thanks BBC.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
ok this is my dumbest yet
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!