I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?