I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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When you’ve simply given up.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.