[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
You sure about that?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it