6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?