My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha