[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
You Might Also Like
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
welcome back
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…