Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
peep davidson
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?