I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My dad.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.