*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.đ˘”
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then itâs a soap opera.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. đ
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Itâs so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. Thatâs what a bird would do!
*pronounces woah like Noah*
New birthdays:
â˘Januartly 34rd
â˘Marfch 0th
â˘Dechumpert 4rf
â˘Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
â˘Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
â˘6th
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until Iâm 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, Iâm kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, Iâm starting that when Iâm 9.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
âMoms
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Windows: Would like toâŚ
âŞď¸ Restart
âŞď¸ Update and restartMe: Iâd like to restart
Windows:
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Anakin: Want to go out?
PadmĂŠ: Ew. Youâre 9.
Anakin:
PadmĂŠ: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a âsuper jobâ wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
You canât screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.