Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO