The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11