Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
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Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
when there are deer in the woods
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’