“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
scared to check what name she chose
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I already tried new things thanks.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!