Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
You Might Also Like
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
She: I like Cats
He:
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂