Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Never be a pizza!
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.