[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.