“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The government even made aliens boring
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order