So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.