what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
You Might Also Like
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve