Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
crying
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.