Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
dogs can find happiness so easily
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
🙁
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Hot hot hot 🥵
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
you stereotypes are all alike
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room