I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
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Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
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me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
ugh not again
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Me: What are you doing?!
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Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
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me: *spits mine out* what
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Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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