She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
What’s so funny?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”