To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.