If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge