Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
You Might Also Like
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
what’s the point then??
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King