Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA