Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Well, this is awkward
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.