I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*