Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
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TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“I’m helping” 😅
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.