*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
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I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.