You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine