No good deed goes unposted on social media.
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*