My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
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*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.