I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.