Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Lol
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.