I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
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Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
#NeverForget
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous