2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
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Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please