If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority