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What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what