nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.